hydrocele

buuut some fighters are dumb enough to ignore the legendary bruce lee's words. like hercule satan, the world martial arts champion. and dan hibiki, the saikyo street fighter. he's wiz and i'm boomstick, and it's our job to analyze their weapons,

armor, and skill to find out who would win a death battle. the earth was in danger. the future of mankind threatened by a monster named cell. all would be lost unless a hero could best him in the ring of champions. the hope of the world lay on the shoulders, and afro of one man,

hercule satan. yeeeah, we're screwed... officially, mr satan is the world martial arts champion and chosen savior of humanity. or, so he would have you believe... hey, if i could lie that well i'd make everyone i'm king of the world too. or even...

god. [evil laugh] but before he was the, "hero of the people" mr. satan went by, mark. eager to learn, mark sought to master the art of combat. young mark honed his skills in the dojo

satan castle. which sounds awesome! but... sadly no, he was not actually trained by the devil. i looked it up. turns out, he was actually gifted in martial arts. mostly due to his...

strangely good luck. yeah, like when he won his first world championship aftter his rival got food poisoning. that's not suspicious at all... victory in hand, mark took the stage name mr. satan in honor of his dojo, and it sounded better for the cameras. his victories

and... explosive personality quickly rocketed him to a life of wealth, fame, and luxury. which almost came to and end when he and his master got drunk and made of random guy's ponytail. turns out this random guy just so happened to be a super-powered immortal mercenary.

who then murdered his master. remember kids, "sticks and stones may break your bones, but words should never be used against a tree-surfing murderer." from that day forward, mr. satan swore he would never fight anyone whose identity was a secret, or who seemed out of his league.

seemed to forget about that when cell showed up. anyways, somewhere along the line, mr. satan married a lady named (migel??) and after a round or 2 in the ovarian ring, had a daughter.

oh, then his wife died. wow. c'mon boomstick, show some tact. (ahem) despite his grief, mr. satan never let his loss interrupt his...

lifestyle. he filled the hole in his life the only way he knew how, with more martial arts! he mastered techniques like his, dynamite kick and megaton punch. which sounds like it would make you explode or something epic like that, buuut, they're actually just regular

kicks and punches. he really only named them so he could scream awesome words while fighting. hey, this is anime after all. i feel more than a little underwhelmed by this guy right now. well, mr. satan's techniques were enough for him to legitimately win the 24th world martial arts torunament,

becoming the champion of the world, and chosen savior to battle cell but, we already know how that went... hah! i could watch that over and over. in fact... heh heh heh. get away from me bitch. mr. satan actively avoids fighting those

who clearly outclass him. mostly to save his own reputation. the first time he saw people flying and shooting beams from their hands he thought it was a bunch of cheap tricks and pyrotechnics. even after seeing the most epic kamehameha beam struggle of all time, he still denied everything.

it's a trick, it's all a trick i swear! someday, i'll bring it all to life i will! i can't believe that you're still saying that! but, just in case he finds himself in over his head, mr. satan is packing an assortment of capsules containing jetpacks, disguised explosives and even missile launchers!

man if those existed in real life, it'd be a tsa nightmare... if there's anything he's good at it's public performance. he often weasels his way out of dangerous scenarios with lame excuses like, faking stomach aches and somehow, the entire world buys his crap

every. single. time. i did it! for years, i've been trying to perfect a variation of the megaton punch, that uses lightened energy to cause a delayed reaction to catch my opponent off-guard! (wtf...) (seriously?) (wait what?!) (this is bullshit!)

. . . (i'm done...) when in doubt, work the crowd. i love all of you! who are you talking to? every. single. one of you.

like and subscribe! mr. satan is a master of deception an excellent actor, and a complete fraud. still, he is strong enough to rip three phone books in half, and pull four buses by himself, and once he actually moved faster than the untrained eye can see. but, forgot bullets move fast too...

well, if i have to say something nice about the guy... at least he's not yamcha. mr. satan has won the world martial arts torunament upwards of twenty-six times, although only one of them was legitimate. yeah, the other times he rigged it by having mr. buu kick everyone's ass, and then lose to him on purpose.

still, it's pretty impressive he managed to befriend one of the most dangerous and untamed monsters in the dragon ball universe. oh, and one time he convinced the whole world's population to stick their hands up in the air and then wave them around like they just don't care. but... whatever. boomstick, that... saved the world. eh.

mr. satan is motivated by three things: money, fame, and his daughter. who he seems to prize above all else. he may be a bit of a con artist, but no matter what he's up against, mr. satan still finds a way to rise above his fears through his own bravery.

wait, did i just say, "bravery"? i meant, "thick-headedness and straight up stupidity." (oh god...) (what are you doing?) (oh no,) (stop you can't fly!) (holy shit!) (oh wait...) 3

2 1... (oh god he's still alive) (idiot...) conceptualize in retaliation of snk's blatant ripoff of capcom's characters dan hibiki, was always meant to be a complete joke. dan had no natural talent in fighting people,

but his father gou hibiki was a martial arts master with his own dojo. one day, gou's dojo was visited by sagat, and enforcer of the crime syndicate, shadaloo as an advocate of justice, gou refused to be intimidated by the crime lord and stood up to him the only way he knew how... by kicking his freakin' eye out! (holy fucking shit wtf?!) then, sagat brutally beat him to death

in front of his own son. that should teach you to mess with the 7'4" muay thai monster! it didn't... enraged, and distraught, dan swore he would avenge his father's death. to do so, he sought out a legendary dojo hidden in the wilderness of japan. this thing is more elusive than child support to my ex.

seems like the more time we spend here, questions arise. yeah. like, who the hell's "dan"? against all odds, dan found it. he was trained by its master gouken, the same mentor who taught ryu and ken such legendary techniques as the, hadouken and the shoryuken.

dan began the difficult journey of mastering the use of ki as a weapon of justice. until gouken expelled him because he just... just sucked! well, technically it was because gouken didn't want his training only used for revenge but... let's face it, he knew he was wasting his time. however, dan's determination for vengeance continued. he took the little he had learned from gouken

and ironically combined it with some muay thai. this became his very own martial art with saikyo-ryu fighting style. unfortunately, while that sounds awesome... it didn't really work out... dan's fighitng style is... well... it sucks! it's awful!

there's absolutely nothing redeemable about it! i mean, he can use special moves like the horyuken and the... danykyukyaku which are like the dollar store versions of awesome stuff! like the shoryuken and tatsume... well, whatever it's called. also, "dan-kyukyaku"?

did he seriously name one of his moves after himself? yeah, he's pretty full of himself. which is why the saikyo style's strongest technique is excessive taunting. he can taunt while jumping, somehow increasing his airtime. and by focusing all his energy at once, dan can perform a taunt so fearsome,

it will shock and amaze all who witness it, just by being the most worthless thing they've ever seen. this is the legendary taunt... (oh shit...) (oh shit) (fuck) (he's close) (wait...)

(are you fucking serious...?) now, dan can manifest his ki into a fireball projectile called the "gadouken." in a way, the gadouken is symbolic of dan himself. yeah, it's tiny, pathetic, and doesn't last very long. (ohhhhh shit burrrnn savage af boomstick) (even blanka can't handle you) despite this, dan eventually tracked down his father's killer,

and offered to make his left eye, match his right. in turn, sagat politely offered to reunite father and son. the long awaited clash of fists began, a clash in which dan was bent on retribution. oh shit! he won?! yes, dan finally achieved the recompense he sought for so long, and trained his entire life for,

because sagat threw the fight in pity. completely unaware of his luck and confident he was one of the strongest of the world, dan founded his own dojo to unfortunately teach other people his worthless martial art. thanks sagat, not only have you killed this man's father, but you're ruining other kids' lives now too. you'll be happy to know that not many students

actually enrolled in his class. because he kept forgetting to pay his phone bill, and did not include his dojo's address in his commercials. heh heh. classic dan by the way, what's up with the pink gi? well, it was originally white, but then he accidentally washed it with color. (jesus christ...)

okay, okay, making fun of dan is fun and all but let's be honest, he's not a complete pushover. he can take down multiple thugs at once and even endured a beating from ryu and ken. simultaneously. no matter how many times he falls, dan will always get right back up

and remember how gouken rejected him because of his thirst for vengeance? that's because dan can actually tap into the satsu no hadou. the evil, deadly energy that transformed gouken's brother akuma, into an island smashing murderer. we're not joking here, once, dan did access the satsu no hadou

to use the dreaded raging demon, a move which obliterates the victim's soul. damn! if dan can do it i can do it! hey! watch out wiz, here it comes. (falls) (ahh!) (shit!) (fell on my keys...)

but more often than not, dan's a klutz. overconfident taunting gets him into trouble. he is his own worst enemy. but even after crying like a baby, from stubbing his toe, dan doesn't let any of it keep him down for long. after all, who else will carry on the heroic legacy

of gou hibiki? (no one apparently...) alright, the combatants are set. let's end this debate once and for all! but first, your face is in danger! (what...) and only i can save it! for our next round, our beloved savior of mankind, hercule satan!

yeah! and the challenger, the infamous creator of the saikyo arts, dan hibiki! woohoo! here i cooome! ow! woo. yeah. dan. nice moves, hibachi! how bout you rig yourself out? you wish, chump! i hope you're ready for a beating! ha! a weakling like you stands no chance!

it looks like mr. satan wants to end this quickly! which of his patented finishing moves will he use? dynamite kick! oh my god! what's this? he's avoided the champion's most devastating attack! ha! i psyched him out! he'll be too terrified to throw a single punch! woohoo! behold the glory of saikyo! woah! wow! and now, behold my ultimate attack!

shinkuuuuuu...... (no, no no no! is that what i think it is? what do i do?) (i could dive off the arena! say i slipped due to my sheer muscle mass. he he. yeah!) (holy crap how long is this gonna take?) gadouken! uh.. yeah! ha ha! i've done it! after years of training and grueling exercise, this pathetic phony's cheap tricks won't work on me! ha! astounding! who knew the secret to countering such an attack was to act like a coward? yeah! wait what? what's this? is it just me or has mr. satan illegally smuggled weapons into the arena?

(oh crap! my backup plans! i can't go out like this!) uh.. what? i've never seen these before. obviously my challenger snuck them into my robe to get me disqualified! can't even face me like a man! oh sweet, a jet pack! what? time for the next evolution of my martial art! ultimate rocket booster saikyo of doom! well that's disappointing...

(only one more capsule left, but i don't remember what's in it!) (gotta think of something fast! this guy's good, i can't track his movements!) what the heck- i mean what a spectacle! what could the champion be planning? oh yeah! i got this! ah crap. i can't believe it folks, the match is still on! and mr. satan's limitless tenacity has worn down the challenger. ah ha! yes that's right. i tired him out. me! mr. satan. that was my plan all along! what am i doing? i can't lose to this joker! i have to win! for my father!

dieeee! aw man! watch closely, you're about to witness the real deal! it looks like this is the end! yeah ha ha ha! this is over! aw ma- woah! i've never seen anything like that! he punched him so hard he turned him into a jukebox! it can only be the champ's new technique, the karaoke punch!

(oh my god, i can't believe that happened! i need to change my pants.) ko! now he can disappoint his father in the afterlife. hercule satan and dan hibiki may be pretty pathetic in context, but keep in mind, before the cell saga, mr. satan was a legitimate world champion. unlike dan who has only one confirmed win out of his name and it was handed to him out of pity. and mr. satan has proven time and time again that he is stronger than the average athletic man. he once pulled four tour buses which is nearly 60 tons, and then he punched through one of them! that's a sheet of steel right there! dan struggles to throw a single guy over his shoulder. mr. satan once broke through a tower of 19 tiles with a single chop and is the only character in dragon ball history to have fought both cell and majin buu... and not die.

think about that. dan's ki attacks were his ace in the hole, but in true hibiki fashion, it amounted to nothing but failure just like the time he pulled off the raging demon, only to be stopped by a high school girl's backpack. the ki to dan's failure came from within. the winner is hercule satan. next time. on. death battle.

Wednesday, January 18, 2017